Navigating a loved one’s drug or alcohol abuse is fraught with so many pitfalls.

my story

White, middle to upper-middle-class, and at one time, quite high-class backgrounds. One grandfather grew up next door to the Kennedys. Another was a former US Representative and then Lieutenant Governor of a midwestern state. My grandmother got invited to Warren Buffet’s parties.

Myself, I grew up in a super cute yellow Dutch colonial in an average city in that same midwestern state. I got straight As in high school and then went to a prestigious women’s college on the East Coast.

I, too, had learned the skill of looking good.

But behind that smart looking veil was a lot of alcoholism, drugs and mental illness.

Alcoholism and its effects on families are a big factor in why my grandparent’s wealth and those connections were gradually lost in subsequent generations.

Behind the black and white door of that adorable Dutch colonial was a seven-year-old girl and and her brother frozen in fear on the stairs watching their drunk step-father trying to strangle their mother, too terrified to move, despite her screams to call the police. It was the neighbors who had to make the call.

I was both deeply ashamed and deeply confused because, although our mother was the victim in this scenario, she was not at all innocent. She had her own issue with pills. And she was so wrapped up in our step-father’s drinking that she couldn’t see her own behavior, her own mental illness, or be there for her kids. She, too, did not move to intervene when we were the victims, insisting she was the only victim of his abuse.

And damn, I sure could have used some help navigating that.

12-Step recovery is a very powerful tool, and it did wonders for my self-esteem, but it’s not perfect.

It can be very off-putting to those not comfortable with the use of the word ‘God.’ Victims of religious abuse especially might struggle with that.

And it doesn’t solve every aspect of how addiction affects families.

For one, the 12 Steps do not resolve PTSD, and family addiction results in complex PTSD for many family members, especially children.

I was one of those people with undiagnosed PTSD wondering why other people in the 12-Step fellowship were getting so much better than I was, despite the fact that I was earnestly working the Steps too.

Also, at least 40% of people with a substance use disorder have a co-occurring mental disorder, just like my mother did. In 12-Step circles, that co-occurring mental disorder is considered an outside issue, despite the fact that in terms of behavior, it can be damn near impossible to separate the mental disorder from the substance use.

Thus I felt like I could only bring half of my struggles to a meeting.

And damn, I sure could have used some help navigating that.

For better or for worse, my story is not at all unusual.

Addiction and substance use disorders are some of the hardest, most mind-boggling challenges families can face.

And a loved one’s addiction so often creates dysfunctional relationship dynamics that tend to divide and conquer family members, depriving family members of their most immediate source of support.

Sadly, a similar dynamic often plays out in the recovery and treatment community.

Many adherents to a given recovery methodology often plant their flag, claiming the solution that worked for them is the only solution.

And if you’re not drawn to that solution, their response is that “you’re just not ready, yet” or “it just hasn’t gotten bad enough” as if you’re not worthy of help and support until you’ve suffered even more.

I’ve seen numerous online support groups for families demonizing the addicted person and judging family members, with no understanding that addiction is a disease and a poor understanding of codependent family coping behaviors that can exacerbate the problem.

And with this lack of knowledge, they perpetuate an unproductive (and sometimes destructive) “us vs. them” mentality.

But studies show that when families get their own support and work on their own healing, treatment outcomes improve significantly.

This is because dysfunctional relationship dynamics don’t magically go away just because a loved one recovers, and those dynamics can make sustaining recovery harder.

And yet, the vast majority of treatment programs out there offer no meaningful programming to support families in healing, even while they’re actively preying on family members’ pain and fears to help them fill beds in their facilities.

I’ve even seen 12 Step recovery programs for addiction arrogantly and ignorantly claim that Medically Assisted Treatment is not abstinence or recovery, turning addicted people away from a treatment tool that has been shown unequivocally to keep people alive so they can recover.

No doubt, some of them die believing these misguided claims.

The whole landscape can be a minefield.

Part of my own recovery journey had me working with other families affected by a loved one’s substance use. I have worked extensively both as a volunteer in 12-Step service work and professionally as the Manager of Family and Spiritual Recovery in a non-clinical recovery center in Minnesota.

This work showed me that I am especially adept at emotionally connecting with family members who are hurting and struggling.

That has become my superpower.

I’m not kidding or exaggerating here.

My first day on the job at the recovery center, a father, when he learned it was my first day, gave me a horrified look of “Oh shit! We got the newbie!”

At the end of the program he came up to me and said, “You really have a gift for this.”

I am an emotional deep-sea diver. I am an excellent speaker. And I can put words to experiences that others struggle to name.

And I’m still whip smart. I have extensively studied and analyzed the research on both addiction and codependency. (The degrees from fancy schools have indeed been useful after all.)

Furthermore, I’m a skilled teacher and facilitator. Have been for over 20 years.

And I have combined all of this personal, professional, and scholarly experience to create what I believe is the most comprehensive program to support families struggling with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use out there.